"In three words I can sum up everything I have learned about life: it goes on."

Friday, January 30, 2015


You are like cigarettes.
I stopped smoking three years ago and I still think about it almost everyday.
You're exactly like them.
The crave.
The crave of lighting one up is always going to be there. To touch it between my fingers, taste it in my tongue, feel my whole body getting intoxicate with it, breathing in and out and in and out and feeling it warmer inside.
Yep. You're exactly like them.
And I hate them. I know they're not good for me. I know they're disgusting and got nothing to do with me.
I know it. But I still want it.
I learned that sometimes we need to let the things we want go because we need to do what is best for us since the only person we really have in the end is ourselves.
I also leaned with time it gets easier since the memory is not so alive anymore, you cannot tell so well how it tasted and felt and you get used to not having it anymore.
Do we ever get over it or do we just get used to it?
I've been doing pretty well these last three years, except for those days when I did not. I wonder if I will ever be able to say the same about you.

Thursday, January 29, 2015


"Yes, Love will still save me.

Me prometo não deixar de me amar e me querer bem nem mesmo por um segundo. Prometo-me ser justa com quem eu sou. Prometo-me ter consciência onipresente do meu valor. Me prometo não me agredir, não me ferir, não levar a fundo ferro e fogo no coração. Prometo-me de toda a minha essência ser fiel com meus ideais. Me prometo não permitir que minha vida se leve a um abismo de incertezas, dúvidas e quases. Me prometo não me apaixonar pelo talvez. Prometo-me estar pronta a abrir um sorriso sempre, viver cada dia com a minha já costumeira intensidade, amar tudo ao meu redor como bem sei fazer. Me prometo prometido que jamais vou me achar pior ou melhor que ninguém que passe pelo meu caminho na mesma direção. Me prometo não dar abertura nem vazões para que agulhadas de esperança me machuquem. Prometo-me ter em minha mente a tranquilidade e a certeza de ter dado meu melhor, ter feito a minha parte e ter sido gente de verdade, com palavras genuínas e atos de coragem. Prometo-me tirar da minha vida tudo que me fizer mal. Prometo saber que colherei tudo que tenho plantado, prometo me acalmar ao lembrar o quão amadas foram essas sementes, com quanto zelo cada uma foi regada, o quão viçosas nascerão as flores. Prometo-me zerar qualquer expectativa, ser madura e racionalizar, ser esperta. Me prometo não me torturar em falsos sinais, não procurar razões para decepção. Prometo-me perceber o fim e enfim, prometo-me ser, estar, ficar e permanecer apaixonada pelo meu próprio amor, que ele, que é absurdo, gigante e puro, ele e só ele, me salvará."


Wednesday, January 28, 2015


O vazio
O vácuo
O eco
A falta
A solidão
A tristeza
Os dias tão longos
As noites mais longas ainda
A vida continua assim
Sem sentido
Sem rumo
Sem esperança
Sigo em frente
Acordo, escovo os dentes, sorrio
Dentro de mim chove
Chove chuva
A vida continua
Me pergunto
Se questionas o que estou fazendo também
Provavelmente não
O amor é apenas
Para os patéticos
Como eu.

Monday, January 19, 2015


I walk downtown LA without an specific direction by myself, trying to clear up my head. Ironically I was where I always wanted to be and that was the last place I wanted to be that day. My face, the explicit image of the physical aggression I had been through three days before, probably had the saddest look ever expressed in the last twenty one years of my life. I was shattered, how I had never been before. I had lost the love of my life, my best friend and all the hope of ever being happy again, and this time it was forever, that was it. She had done something unforgivable. 
I keep walking, it is fucking warm - after all it's summer, everyone knows  September in Southern California is unbearable - I'm wearing black boots, black skirt, black top and a black soul. I haven't really eaten in a couple of days so I decide fainting wouldn't really help my current homeless situation, I want to go somewhere and snack something. 
Walking towards me comes this gorgeous tall woman in her floppy hat, long white flawy dress like life is perfect. She exhales confidence, happiness and peace. I ask her where the nearest Starbucks is, she smiles, answers and carry on. I follow the instructions, buy myself something to drink and a sandwich and sit in order to eat my meal peacefully. Only a few minutes later I spot the flawless lady entering the store. She buys a salad and heads to my direction. Sits on the table next to mine and eats quietly for a couple of minutes when suddenly she asks if I need to talk. I tell her I am fine, she insists and says, hey, I can see in your eyes you're sad. If you don't wanna talk it's okay I'm just gonna stay here beside you in case you decide to, I feel like you could use some company. I can see you're a young lady who's been through some rough days and I feel nothing but kindness for you right now. 
We talked. She was as beautiful inside as she was outside. Her name was Barbara, she's from Switzerland, on her early 30s and she's just married an American so she hasn't been back home for three years now because of the Green Card thing. She had the same struggles in getting adapted to the "american kind of friendship" as I did, we laughed about their culture, and criticized the endlessly necessity to buy and have, and talked about how we missed our homeland so bad. I opened up about my last relationship and she wholeheartedly listened and even cried with me. She felt me. 
I know I will never see that woman again, but I also know I will never forget her. She was one of the kindest, nicest and most sensible people I have ever met. 
Whenever I remember her, I have hope in the universe again. I had nothing to offer but tears, a face with a black eye and heartbreak talk and she sat by me and heard me weep about my problems for hours. 
She transformed that horrible day in something beautiful to be remembered. 
I wish the flawless lady the best in this world. I've never met anyone like her before, her soul shined. I'll forever be thankful for that talk.
I think she saved me in some sort of ways. How incredibly fascinating is that? Meeting someone, having a life changing conversation, then saying goodbye but taking that person with you for eternity. Oh, the funny ways the universe works.