"In three words I can sum up everything I have learned about life: it goes on."


Thursday, December 18, 2014

77

I wish I could drown in the shower.
I wish I could erase her from me like Clementine erased Joel. 
I wish so many things right now. 
I'm so sad and out of myself that it has been raining for over an hour inside of my room and I did not even notice my window was open. Now my floor is soaked wet. In the past, my sheets would be soaked wet of tears, too. But not this time.
It is like my body decided to cry dry, refusing to react over her heartbreak - again. 
I used to think a heartbreak was only an euphemism but truth is: I recently discovered it's not. It physically hurts. It's an indescribable pain that grows in your chest from the moment she tells you she is leaving and will not come back and it never stops growing. Every passing day it hurts more and more. It is a progressive pain, like an inoperable tumor, it never goes away and you cannot just fix it.
Falling in love with her ruined me. I was fine before her. I was fucking fine. I was lonely, I knew I was lonely and I was fine with that. Then she appeared and taught me that being with her was better than being lonely, and I got used to that and the worst: I liked it. For the first time in my life I had someone who understood me. She was not only my girlfriend, but also my best friend. She was all I ever wanted in one only hug and then she decided she could not handle it anymore and left. And left me with all that loneliness but I did not know how to be lonely anymore.
She decided she was not happy and she needed to go after her happiness and in order for that to happen I could not be a part of her life anymore. She decided to not take any responsibilities on the feelings and the hopes she grew inside of me. She called to say it was over and nothing I would say could change her mind. She literally abandoned me like I was nothing to her. Like I'm nothing. Like I am a thing she used and abused and now she is done she can throw away and go after something better. She has no respect for me. How sad is realizing that after everything I had to put up with to be with her. 
I hate her. I wish we had never met.
I wish I had never fallen in love. 
I wish one day this pain goes away.